An Open Letter to Tom "The Hammer" DeLay

Dear 'Hammer',

I was saddened to hear that you were dropping your bid for re-election. In a public statement, you mentioned that the decision was motivated by a "refus[al] to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative personal campaign". Interestingly enough, you make no mention of the total embarassment of having your ass handed to you by your enraged constituents who refuse to be represented by a petty thief, or the ensuing party-busting scandal of having their highest-ranking legislative official removed from office in shackles and an orange jumpsuit. Perhaps this was a calculated move in order to shift the headlines away from the real story (two-bit criminal decides to rot in hell, let the Rest of the World live in Peace) to your made up story (left-wing conspiracy); however, I tend to think that such a slimy underhanded move would make someone of your high moral standing shudder. Rather, I prefer to think this was just an innocent omission on your part. Accordingly, I'll be waiting for your public amendment.

Yours in conspiracy lunacy greed lugubrity Jesus Satan Comraderie,

Dr. Duke Nukem, Ph.D.